In the second part of this epic three-part series, I will be discussing another vital step in picking up dudes: Preparation. Unlike mindset, it is just as simple as it sounds.
The thing about picking up dudes is that you really never know when you are gonna need to pull your mojo out to get the deed done. Dudes are everywhere, and you could, at any moment, run across a fella that you simply must have. You must always be prepared to take action.
That is why preparation is key. When I know I am going to be out among humans, and that is almost every day, I think about the people I might see and the things that might happen, and I plan accordingly.
For instance, if I know I might be having a particularly tough day at work, I always make sure to wear something that is super cute, but just a little bit uncomfortable. That way, I know I look good, but I am also slightly distracted from the arduous nature of whatever bullshit I might be facing.
In terms of picking up dudes, you must plan to be fierce. You must plan to be brave. You must plan, yes, here it comes, to be a badass. That can take many different forms, but for me, it means wearing boots. Boots make me feel confident, substantial, and yes, even taller. If I can swing it, and most often I can, I wear boots every day.
The next thing I do is I put my game face on. I review my strengths, I consider all of the things that I have to be grateful for, and then I put myself in a head space where I want a date. This is a very different head space than one where I need a date.
When I want a date, I:
Having game is enjoying myself in any situation I am in. This is because I agree with Audrey Hepburn who once boldly stated: "Happy girls are the prettiest." I have found this to be true time and again. It is also important to note that part of preparation is understanding one vital energetic principle: I am awesome. When I go out, I am not hoping to find someone who will like me, I am hoping to find someone I will like. There is a very big difference between these two perspectives. Ruminate on them appropriately. It is very often where most people stumble when they prepare for their epic day of hitting on dudes.
The other benefit to this mindset is this: even if you do not get a date, you are still doing pretty good. You are still enjoying life. You are still happy to be you. This is a benefit that will last well into your golden years and will provide more success than you could possibly imagine.
This preparation is not just for hitting on dudes, but for hitting on life. You go into your day with this type of attitude and your life expands, your opportunities increase, and your environment brightens. Your world is better when you prepare to take life, and men, by the balls. This, in every respect, is a purely figurative statement. Please do not think that taking a man by the balls will earn you a date. It will not. I know. I have done the leg work.
Next week I will round out this series with Execution. This is my favorite part of hitting on dudes. I have a feeling it might become your favorite as well.
*I am able to smile at people on the street because I live in a small town. If I lived in a big city, I would most likely curb this behavior entirely.
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In the last week or so, I have picked up a few dudes. When I have told the stories to some of my female friends, they react with a mixture of shock and delight. Many have responded with, "I could never do that!" Well, I am here to tell you, it is not as hard as it looks, and in this first of three series on How to Pick Up Dudes, I will give you the central skill necessary to picking up dudes: Mindset.
Yogi Berra once famously said that half of baseball is ninety percent mental. The same could be said of picking up dudes.
When most people decide against asking someone out it is for one reason: fear of rejection. Well, as I told my first boyfriend when he was looking for my clit, you're doing it wrong.
When you ask someone out, you will of course go down the "what happens if" road to rejection. What you are most likely thinking is: "I will ask him out, he will reject me, I will feel ugly, then I will cry."
I get it, but the reality is that this is not what happens. What actually happens when you hit on a dude is one of four things:
The thing about rejection, and I know this first hand, is that after you have endured it, you realize it's not so bad. In fact, the more I have been rejected, the easier the prospect has been to handle. It becomes a part of life that isn't wonderful, but isn't really so bad, either.
I would rather regret something that I have done than something that I have not done. I would rather not spend the rest of my life wondering, "what if?" I want to spend the rest of my life thinking, "damn, you gave it a shot. You went where others fear to tread. You are a badass trailblazing motherfucker."
I feel much better about myself when I am brave. In this particular situation, I am sending myself the message that I am worthy of great deeds of heroism and cunning. Even if he says no, I have said yes.
Next week I will go over the next vital step to Hitting on Dudes: Preparation. The week after I will follow up with Execution. Yes, in three short weeks, you will have all the tools you need to hit on dudes. Freedom is just around the corner.
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The Importance of The Break
There is a certain expectation in our world that I must protest here and now. This is that we, as a group of creatures roaming the earth, do not deserve a real break. We are not allowed rest or relaxation. We must always, always, always be moving forward.
Presently I am attempting to build a business. There are unwritten rules involved in this arena, some of which are very helpful, some of which are, well, bunk. One of these rules is that when you decide to take a break, your peeps should not know from your posts. You should work ahead and schedule posts, newsletters, what have you, even while you are gone, so that you are seen as a consistent and reliable source of information and value.
In the work world, it is the same. Taking time off is not supported in many places. For example, in one place I worked, I was not given any more than a few days off to deal with my mother's death. In another, I was given three days off to go to my brother's wedding. I was to stand up in his wedding. Three days is not enough. Luckily, I now work at a place where work/life balance is a priority. The powers that be at my job make it a point to make sure that employees do not overwork themselves and that they have access to vacation time and time off so that they can re-charge. It is such an amazing thing, really, but it shouldn't be.
I highly suggest that the next time you find yourself in a job interview, you make sure and ask about their time off policy, and how supportive the workplace is for you using your time off. Ask if there are times during the year where they do not allow employees to take time off. Many places provide paid time off, but it is not unheard of that your boss or whom-have-you won't give you the time off, as they believe that people will die or something if you are away for too long. When you take a job or work at a job, take care of yourself by leaving your work at work. No matter how long you are away.
When you rest, do yourself a favor and really rest. Let go of your concerns and your business mind. Envelop yourself in the goodness that is a true break from your responsibilities. How do you do that? Well, like anything else, you must make room for it. And when I say make room, I mean give yourself permission. You must be ruthless about your time off. You must also understand, on a basic level, that some people might not accept this. You must be prepared to not give a fuck. Yes. I said it. Be merciless. It is your time, you deserve it. Put your mind in this space and your body will follow. It will take practice, but you will get there.
I just took a week off to go to Portland and I committed myself to not working on my business while on a break. I needed the mental space, and frankly, I know my peeps would want me to rest. They believe in the restorative power of doing absolutely nothing productive. And now I am back and I am happy and productive and full of juice.
The next time you take time off, really take the time off. Give yourself a break. Do whatever you want to do. Your peeps, if they are truly your peeps, will support you. Hopefully, they will be inspired to do the same and give themselves a break as well the next time they have the opportunity.
Let's make this a world where everyone feels the courage to rest. The bravado to do absolutely nothing. The chutzpah to take real time off. Most importantly, let's make it a world where we support each other's need to chill. It is possible to replace the expectation of constant forward movement with one of stillness and reflection. One of rest and rejuvenation. We just have to believe we deserve it. Don't we?
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The Fear Of No
I was talking to a friend today about why I felt the need to ask for something instead of waiting for said item to be offered. I thought a bit and then I realized, I used to be afraid of NO.
For a very long time, I never asked for anything, because the thought of hearing a "no" petrified me. I equated it to not being worthy, not being valued, not being loved. If I heard a "no," it would confirm my worst fears about myself. I spent a lot of time waiting around for people to offer. Most of the time, those offers never came.
The worst thing about this practice, I came to realize some time later, was that my fear of "no" was paralyzing me and in essence giving me that no anyway. I was saying "no" to myself every time I didn't ask for something, a "no" every time I did not speak up and state what I needed.
Once I realized the effect this had on my life and all of the things I was missing out on, I worked my ass off getting up the courage to ask for what I needed. It was, in the beginning, very painful. Every time I asked for anything I expected a "no." I would feel a burning in my gut, my heart would pound in my chest, and my hands and neck would get sweaty. I was a mess most of the time. But little by little, I got used to hearing no, as well as yes, and I realized that "no" was not so bad.
"No" ended up freeing me.
"No" is not the end of the world, and it is not death. It is the beginning of what is possible. It gives you one less option and frees you up to consider others. "No" is what you hear, very often, before the world opens up to you.
So, today, when my friend and I were discussing this, I realized I had worked too hard for the "no." I had put my heart into being okay with that answer. The reason I am able to ask for anything is that I am comfortable with "no." "No" is not the end of me. "No" is one more thing I have fought for, and something I will not give up. It is a lesson and a practice that has provided insight, courage and heart.
That is why I won't stop asking for what I want, or what I need. Because I am worthy of both yes and no. I have fought too hard to give myself the permission to ask. Why would I ever give that up?
How about you? Do you find yourself not asking for things? Are you afraid of "no"?
I challenge you to ask once this week, just once, for something you are afraid to ask for. See how it feels. Pay close attention to all the physical sensations associated with the question, and then the answer that comes. I guarantee you that no matter what happens, that "no" will not be the end of the world.
That "no" might just be the beginning.
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