How do I know?

I have had a hard time letting go of who I used to be. I am attached to that person, all comfy and cozy with who I was, what I looked like, what I did. I never quite know who I am becoming. Generally speaking, I have been moving toward being this new person gradually, but when the change takes on its physical form, it freaks me out. 

Our society does not help either. I was not taught when I was young how to handle my body changing, my life changing, my friends changing, my preferences changing. I wasn't even taught really, to pay attention to this stuff. In fact, I was taught to ignore it or wait for it "to pass." I was more than anything, trained to be a constant. A narrowly operating variable in a world of other narrowly operating variables. But that is not how lives go. That is not what life is about.

We do change. Humans evolve. This is science. Some call it biology, some physics, I call it The Great Secret. Great because generally speaking, if we master change, if we can harness it, we will become great. A secret because no one believes this. We are not taught this. So what do we do when the world shifts beneath our feet? What do we do when our clothes, our friends, our homes no longer fit us? 

We dig deep. We look within. We find ourselves again. We move forward. At least, that is what some people do. Others, we look back. We lament the past. We regret. We cling to old truths like the last roll of toilet paper. We look in the mirror, sad for what was, not understanding that we are now missing out on what is. And in doing so, miss the magic that is a changing and evolving life. Yes, change can be painful. It is confusing. But so is birth. So is puberty. So is the sudden realization that you might have grown beyond the shell that holds you. 

Earlier this week, I was with a man who was lamenting his figure. He was greatly disappointed that he was not the fit young man of his thirties. Simultaneously, he was experiencing a sexual awakening. His sexual world was in the process of opening wide for him, due to his bravery, his nerve, his humility, and he was looking down at his gut, and thinking that losing it would make him more sexy, completely ignoring the fact that he had become exponentially more sexy while carrying this weight around. That he had the nerve to explore himself, be honest about his fear and desire, all with extra weight on him. This wonderful man was not focusing on his revolution. He was focusing on something that made him feel badly. The man should have been planning a parade, but instead he was planning his next work out. 

We do this all the time. We walk through fields of flowers that have taken us years to cultivate, and complain that it looks like it's going to rain. 

We have been taught that more than anything else, our physical appearance is what is important; that the toxic water is fine as long as it looks good. We have been brainwashed into believing that it is better to look good than to feel good.

I bet you know what is coming next. The part in almost every post where I exclaim, THAT IS BULLSHIT.

All it takes is the understanding that what you must strive to do is feel better. Some of the most beautiful people in the world hate their bodies. It is not because they hate beauty, it is because they cannot feel their beauty. It is because they do not feel good about themselves, and very often, they don't know why. Or maybe they do, but they can't do anything about it because they are not looking within. They are not feeling themselves out. They distract themselves with the surface, with the external. 

I have a simple little trick that I do whenever I am not feeling good. This trick has worked for me every time I feel anxious or depressed. I cannot tell you that it will work for you, because, well, you are you, and yes, I am me, but...it is worth a try and it only takes five to ten minutes. 

Do this whenever you feel like shit. Or something worse.

• Sit down in a quiet place.
• Close your eyes
• Breathe deeply and slowly. Five second in, seven seconds out
• Do this for about a minute
• Become aware of where in your body you feel uneasy, anxious, or hurt
• Breathe into where you feel uneasy or pained
• Focus on relaxing around your pain until it fades
• After it fades continue to breathe deeply for one minute at least, thinking about something you love

Sometimes, our emotional traumas get stuck in the form of physical pain. We carry them around with us and create an even greater problem in our bodies. If we are not aware of this, we can very easily carry pain around in our bodies without even knowing it...until it is so backed up that we just want to curl up on the floor in a puddle and wail.

That said, I am not a doctor, and if you have some kind of indescribable pain, go see one. Try the breathing thing first though...if it is of an emotional nature, it should clear it up.

In order to move forward we must stop looking back. We must stop wishing we could be who we left behind. That person had her time, and it was wonderful. But who we are becoming is greater and that process of change is an opportunity. The time of change is a gift. A gift we have been working toward, or our bodies have been working toward, and one which we must receive with reverence. With gratitude. 

The next time you notice a change in your body that you do not like, before you judge and beat up on yourself, ask yourself first, "Self, what amazing and wonderful change came along with this physical change?" Think hard. Better yet, feel hard. You might see that other parts of you have changed; maybe your intellect, maybe your skill level, maybe your emotional openness. On the other hand, your pain might be something that needs to come out. It might mean that you are ignoring something, hiding something that should come out in the open.

But make no mistake, your body is the best communicator you have, and if you do not listen for the message behind the symptom, you will never see or appreciate the progress you are making. 

The point is, you will never know what you can become if you don't start listening to your body. Your body knows your secrets. Your body knows more than you could ever expect. And all you have to do, is listen. All you have to do, is sit quietly and ask. It is that simple.

So the next time you go beating up on yourself for any reason...ask yourself what you might be distracting yourself from. Instead of beating up on your body for not being the way it used to be, stop and consider what else this change has brought you. Our bodies are changing from the moment we are conceived until the day we die. Behaving as if it is a sickness or a flaw is belittling our ability to be spectacular. It is distracting us from true growth.

And that is the answer to that question, What can you become?

The answer is that it is entirely up to you.

​

"So, young lady, are you in high school or college?" I am standing just outside of the bus that is waiting to take me thirty miles south, to the temporary home I will have for the next month and a half. I look up at the man looking down at me. I wait a moment, smile up at him and reply, "Sir, I am 46. I am quite done with both." He responds without missing a beat, "yes, but you never stop learning. For instance, you have just learned that I am in fact legally blind." And with that, he turns and steps up onto the bus, leaving me grinning behind him.

These small interactions remind me that I do in fact, love people. That my father is in some ways, still with me. That I am open to the entertainment that exists within the everyday. That I can have a short conversation with a stranger and come away delighted. That what happens in a microcosm can be applied to the whole wide world.

It is only recently that I have begun to comprehend how vital it is to understand what is important. I did not come upon this realization by chance, but through decades of spending my energy and time on what is in fact, not important. What I have discovered is that doing what is important is wonderful, but it is also scary as fuck.

For the last two and a half weeks, I have been promoting my Kickstarter campaign for my Love Yo'Self coloring book. As of this writing, I have nine days left, and I am roughly 1700 dollars away from my goal, which is really not that bad. I quit my job in January because while I liked it, I was becoming increasingly aware that it was crushing my soul. Not because of the type of work I was doing, but because of the behavior of all the unhappy people who also worked at that place. Dealing with unhappy people and the shit they pull was becoming too much a part of my job, as it had been in every other job I ever held and had to eventually quit. I noticed that I too, was becoming an unhappy person, and I did not want to leave another job angry. I wanted to do something that I love, something that I care deeply about, something that I could put all of my passion behind. So that is what I did, and that is what I am doing.

Since January, I have been working my ass off trying to get this thing off the ground. Since January, my life has been a bit tenuous. Since January, I have been existing on what I am barely making to get by. Since January, I have been the happiest I have ever been in my life. And the most scared.

When I have had a job, and I tried and failed to accomplish something, it was not all that devastating. After all, it was not my dream that I was failing at, it was someone else's, and in fact, just as often, no one else's. The only person I was letting down was my boss, and that was only incrementally. Either way, having a job, in retrospect, was more safe because I never really put my heart and soul on the line for it, and while there were times I took immense pride in the work that I did, I never felt like I was doing something that was vitally important.

I am scared shitless. I know, it sounds trite. It is a First World problem. But I have come to see that this move is the culmination of a gigantic shift in my perspective and life that has happened in increments over the course of the last six years. I have developed the habit of asking myself, "am I doing what matters? Am I concerning myself with bullshit? Am I burning precious energy with people who do not truly value me as a human?" 

I look back and I see that I have come almost full circle. Starting at the age of about 15, I went through a phase where I was doing anything I could to get love, even if it was self-destructive. After that, in my late 30s, I went through a phase where I was picking people who I could keep at a distance, because I knew they had no interest in really knowing me or seeing me. I was whole heartedly choosing people to be in my life who I could easily keep away, mostly because the people I had been attracting before this time had been so damaging. 

Lately, it has shifted. I have had the great luck of attracting people who are "all-in" supporters of who I am. These people ride the golden chariot of acceptance and show me almost daily, in their actions and words, that it is a two way street. Even when it is in a fragment of an interaction with a man at a bus stop. 

Self-love and accceptance is not a destination, but a journey, and along the way, you meet many people, some who are completely blind to who you are, and some who see you and can stand squarely in front of you and tell you, "bring it." 

The idea of letting these people down devastates me. Becausw being seen involves expectation. It involves people believing that you will operate at a certain level. That you will not let them down with your humanity. I love the relationships I have developed with these wonderful souls. But I now see why I never had them before. Letting them down would be a failure I am not sure I could bear, and so it seems that not only am I being seen by those closest to me, In being seen, I am also becoming aware of my own potential. I am becoming aware that if I fail, it is only because I have held myself back.

I went to a movie the other day called Don't Think Twice, about an Improv group and what they experience when one of the members makes the big time. At the end of the movie, the guy is talking to his girlfriend, who held herself back from going to her audition for her big shot. He is trying to understand why she would do that. 

After a series of horrible events, she is the only one who shows up for the troupe's last show, and as she is re-enacting her horrible day, she realizes she feels like she is in a well, and above, everyone is freaking out and trying to pull her up, and she realizes, and tries to tell them,"I like it in the well." Meaning, she is more comfortable being in a hole in the ground where people throw coins on her, making wishes for their own lives. 

When the actress said these words, "I like it in the well," I realized that I had been in a well all my life, but had no desire to be in it any longer. I almost burst into tears because I so desperately want to pull myself out of that goddamn well.

I am just hoping that when I get to the top, the light of day does not blind me.

Today I was talking with a friend about my body positive belief system and how for me it has always naturally fed into and related heavily with my sex positive lifestyle.

I have found that one big challenge of being sex positive is that we are taught to be ashamed of our bodies, and the arguments I have received from friends, relatives and others about my lifestyle is very often related to body shaming. Here are a few arguments I have received that seem rooted in science or what have you but are actually more rooted in a Victorian body shaming women-as-chattel philosophy:

• Women naturally attach when they have sex. It is chemical. It happens with every woman. If you are a woman, you cannot have sex without attaching.
• You are giving part of yourself away to people when you have sex with them. A part of you that you can never get back.
•  When you do not develop a loving relationship from a sexual one, you are damaging your soul forever.
• Any woman who would sleep around most likely does not have very high self-esteem
• Women use sex to get love, men use love to get sex.

A great and wonderful part of the human experience, in fact, one of the best parts, is to figure out who you are; what you like and don't like, what you are good at, what drives your passions, and what makes you happy. Some of us are lucky enough to have this opportunity. It is a luxury many people all over the world do not have because they are too busy wondering where the next meal or bit of clean water will be coming from. It is a unique luxury to have this human exploration yet so many of us miss out on it because we believe what we are told about "all women" or "all men" or "all homosexuals"  or "all muslims" or "all latinos." We believe things we have been told about ourselves and each other, though it might not ring true.

So we are fed these fables of who we are and who others are supposed to be, because the unknown is scary. I feel much safer if I understand that a whole group of people is cheap, or a whole group of people is racist, or a whole group of people is  slutty. Why do I believe it? It confirms my suspicions about how scary the world is. It makes me feel superior. It gives me a "short-hand" to go to when I am dealing with individuals from that group. If I can put a whole group of people in a box, all figured out, I can very easily tailor my behavior to deal with "all of them."

When I tailor my behavior to deal with a whole group of people, I too, am putting myself in a box. It is the box labeled, "brainwashed."

The whole reason science is valued is because it is capable in many situations of objectively measuring the functions of the world and its inhabitants, but too often, it is used to measure something which cannot possibly be measured; the human spirit. There has never been, nor will there ever be a device that will be able to measure something as wild and uniquely wonderful as the spirit that drives each one of us.

The more we understand and know our own depth and complexity, the more we can accept it in others and feel less of a need to put entire groups of people into convenient boxes. The more that we explore ourselves, the more we feel that other people might be worth exploring too. 

But if we believe the lies we are told, if we disregard our drives, our passions, our very selves because we have been told and then believe what someone else thinks we should be, then our lives become less about the exploration and more about endurance. Just getting through another day. Just getting to retirement. Just getting through...fill in the blank.

If we believe the lie that we belong in boxes, our sometimes angry and even violent reaction to people who are living outside of a box springs from our resentment of having put ourselves in one and stayed there for far too long. Our anger at the perceived freedom of these limitless individuals is the anger at ourselves turned outward. It is the frustration borne of towing the line, behaving in a way that we have been told to, which has been in fact, killing us slowly.

In this sense, this luxury of self exploration starts to look more like a duty. It starts to feel more like a responsibility. It starts to appear as if we are bound to this opportunity by what it could do for the world as a whole if we commit to it.

We owe it to ourselves and each other to discover our limitless potential. We cannot let those who fear us define us, and we cannot fail the people all over the world who are not afforded this great luxury.

It is time, finally to stop believing that the answers are outside of us. It is time to understand that no one outside knows better than the person on the inside. It is time to block out the bullshit and become limitless.

Limitless, fortunately, is the only label that does not require a box.

"So am I allowed to contact you?" This is the message I read on my phone screen shortly after I told a gentleman that I had been texting with for a while that I was no longer interested in sex with him. I had never had sex with him, and over the course of the past several months, I had gotten a weird feeling about him. I couldn't really explain it, except to say that something about him was not sitting right with me.

This is the advantage to having dated on-line for over ten years; at this point, I know innately who I should wait to have sex with, and I know with who I can go ahead and jump in to sex with both feet. Very often, when I wait, the gentleman in question will self-select themselves right out of the running. I am sure if I had some sort of scientific instrument to measure my impulses, I would be able to quantify my decision making around my sexual endeavors. For now, suffice it to say that I have honed this sense to a fine and cutting edge. (Toe pick!)

I responded to his message by telling him that he could in fact contact me, as long as it wasn't about sex. It was at this point that my vague feelings of mistrust proved to be spot on. He went off on me, telling me I should find someone else in my town to take my anger out on, telling me I was accusing him of things he wasn't doing, then finally telling me that I shouldn't send him naked pictures if I am later going to decide against sex with him.

This is not the first time I have experienced post-rejection rage from a fella who was hurt, and really, none of his barbs bothered me until I read the last comment. I think it is because his sense of entitlement was the red flag I had thought I spotted on the horizon, but could not be sure of. What's more, his sense of entitlement was a vivid reminder of the blatant misogynistic behavior I have witnessed almost daily ever since I became aware of it in my twenties. 

I have dealt with men behaving as if I owed them something because they either bought me dinner or got a kiss from me, or asked me for advice over beers. But I am tired of it. Dealing with this behavior feels a lot like dealing with a five year old throwing a tantrum, except the five year old is a full grown man who can take his anger out on you in frightening ways. I am sick of having to be careful of what I say for fear of this type of backlash. I am tired of having to tip toe around a full grown man who should be able to handle his emotions. I continuously wonder why I am the one who must be extra sensitive while he is allowed to go ahead and be insulting and threatening. 

Just in case there is anyone out there reading this that is unsure of what I am saying, it is that it is never okay for any person to behave as if any other person owes them anything in a consensual sexual context. It is always okay to say no, even if you are standing in front of the person naked. It is okay to say no even if you are underneath them. It is okay to say no. It is okay to say no. It is okay to say no.

Oh how I wish this topic was unnecessary to write about yet again, as I have written at least twice on this blog about this to this point, but unfortunately, it is not, and seeing as the people who behave this way very often cannot be reasoned with, the best I can do is tell the people being treated as if they owe: You do not ever have to hesitate about no. No is the word you must learn and love and live with comfortably. Do not ever feel guilty about no. 

The good news is that "no" for someone else then results in a "yes," for you. For when you say no, you are giving yourself the unlimited love and care you deserve. When you listen to your intuition, or your gut, or your heart and it is telling you no, and you act on that, you are sending a big lovely yes right back, to you. You are loving yourself with yes energy. You are putting yourself first, and for that, you are reinforcing the mechanism that keeps you safe and sane. Remember that though it is sometimes hard and scary to say no, the reward you receive from this action is love and compassion.

This is you putting yourself first, right where you should be, even if you have been taught not to, even if you are afraid to, even if society tells you not to, it is your job to put yourself in first place every single time. Do not sacrifice any part of yourself so someone else can be more comfortable. It is a very hard habit to break once you start. After a while of doing this, you barely notice that you are doing it. So be conscious. Start to really tune in to what you want. What you want is vital. In sex, as in all other parts of life, your needs and desires are paramount.

Sexuality is a huge part of the human experience, and if you are living this part of your life for anyone else, you are missing out. If you are living it for you, you will grow. You will expand. You will learn to trust yourself in ways you never thought possible, and you will learn things about yourself that just might surprise you.

When will this topic be a foregone conclusion? When rape culture disappears. When people like one of the presidential candidates are no longer seen as a viable option as the leader of the "free" world. When the oppressed do not have to be patient with their oppressors and try to explain calmly why their behaior is damaging. This topic will be old news when women no longer get the message from society that their sexual desires should only be to attain and serve a man.

Until then, you must be vigilant with no, if for no other reason than your sex life should be vibrant and wonderful and exciting and a place where you can really be yourself, whoever that happens to be at that moment.

So, once again, say no whenever necessary, by any means necessary. There is no more important word to know and use. No matter who tells you otherwise. And then, go have the awesome sex you want to have with the person or people you really want to have it with. The sexual experience alone will be enough to reinforce your ability and desire to say no with confidence and courage.

This morning when I got on the scale, I noticed that I had gained about 16 lbs. My clothes are fitting more tightly. My butt has more bounce than it has in many moons. 

I have been noticing this somewhat gradual shift in my physique since about March. Less biking, more non-organic food eating, and more sitting while writing and drawing has all contributed to Sara being a slightly bigger version of herself.  

Yes, I freaked out. That is still my impulse, though I work on it every day. I worried about what it meant. How I looked. What clothes would not be fitting me this week. Then, I saw my smile and other curves in my reflection in a window; soft, round and juicy, and I completely fell back into my own feet.

These are the confident and steady feet that don't give a fuck what the number on the scale says. These are the feet that have taken me on all kinds of adventures, and understand completely what a life well-lived looks like. My feet remember that standing on a scale is one of the least important places in life in which to stand. My feet remember that a life cannot be quantified in pounds or inches. 

A life is quantified in love, in kindness, in compassion. My feet remember. It is unfortunate that sometimes my head has to work to get that message. But that is what happens. My body remembers, and waits for my brain to catch up. It doesn't take as long as it used to, but still, my body waits. Patiently.

But my brain is making strides. Yesterday, I became very angry because I found out quite publicly that my sweet fella had been keeping some vital information from me. As I turned to him in anger and inquired exactly what the fuck was going on, I could feel my heart pounding, my nerves on fire, and my scalp atingle with rage. Then he replied, "before you get angry, just hear me out." 

It was instant and almost magic, I heard my heart say, "you can trust him." AND MY BRAIN ACTUALLY LISTENED!!! Yes. I was immediately relieved. I had no anger whatsoever within me and my body relaxed completely. About a half hour later, when he explained, I still had no anger or hostility within me. Just an overwhelming joy that I had let my past stop influencing my present and future. It was a huge moment for me, as I have been working on this one issue for roughly 27 years. 27 years of watching my fear of abandonment and neglect snatch my happiness from me as I pushed whoever I was close to, away. 

I know it is something I will continue to work on, but I also know without a doubt that I have finally let a lot of unimportant shit go. I have finally opened myself up and my brain is allowing it. This feels like progress in a way that losing pounds, inches or whatever other bullshit standard society would have us measure ourselves by, does not.

A lot of this work had to do with patience, because when you feel something uncomfortable, you just want it gone, like a splinter or a blister or a rock in your shoe. You want it to be eradicated immediately if not sooner. But unfortunately, that is not how trauma works. Very often, when it has accumulated over many years, it takes just as many, if not more, to get past it; to do the work needed to let it go and not allow it to steer you away from goodness. 

Patience is a bitch when you are feeling the pain of years of trauma. But if you can fight the urge to flee, or fight, if you can sit with that pain, and accept all the parts of yourself that hurt from it, this is when your cells can begin to let go. This is when your heart can relax into your body. Much like any pain you encounter in another, if you do not acknowledge it, if you deny it, it festers. It grows. If you do not have the courage or the strength to sit with a person who holds rage, it is a sure signal that your own pain and rage is being ignored. 

But damn, when it disapates! Your body and heart and mind rejoice, because they all know you have done the work. They have all been waiting for you to acknowledge and sit with them, whether or not you were responsible for the original torment, they have all been desperately waiting for you to acknowledge and sit with them until they felt ready to let it go. And the gentle release of this cannot be overstated. It is a liberation that feels like flight.

That is why when I get on the scale and notice I have gained pounds, the anxiety around it quickly dissipates. I understand on a basic level that this is the weight I can afford. This is the weight that I would much rather carry. This is the weight of mechanics, and while it might be slightly uncomfortable, it is nothing like the emotional weight you carry when you do not acknowledge your own pain. This weight is immeasurable and does more damage than any extra poundage you might carry ever could.

That is what I celebrate today. There is a weight I will carry, and as of very recently, a wait that no longer burdens me.