I feel hollow inside except for the pain. This happens every once in a while. Everything in my life seems to go wrong. People who I thought were my friends, are not, and things I depended upon before are no longer available to me. So I am in the dark.
I was talking with a good friend of mine about it, and she suggested, quite softly, that it was worth looking at my part of it. So I have been, and I see a pattern and it makes me feel like a lot of the work I do is for naught. All the internal work, all the energy work, all the therapy, it looks like it hasn't been working. I mean, I know it has, it just looks like it hasn't.
Then I realize that these are just lessons. The people I attract into my life are my teachers, and the situations I am supposed to work my way out of are all teaching me. Maybe these lessons are more painful because more and more, they are teaching me to not depend on others as much as I do. But that could be the pain talking.
Anyway, the one thing I know, thank goodness, is that I am not going to beat myself up about it. I am just going to make choices that don't open me up to this kind of pain. Maybe choose differently. I don't know. I will know better once I work my way out.
For now I am just going to feel it, and that is okay.
This shit is depressing. Don't share unless you feel like it is helpful.
I think I might be sick of dating. I know. I have said this before, maybe more than a few times, probably as many as I have decided to quit facebook, but seriously, I am starting to wonder why I spend SO MUCH TIME doing something that is bringing me less and less joy as time goes by.
I don't even get nervous on dates anymore, and I think it is starting to effect the experience. I was about to roll around in the sack with a guy the other week, and he was acting a bit odd, so I asked him if he was nervous, and he said, "yes, aren't you?" Frankly, I was not. I was actually, impatient.
I am not sure you are supposed to feel like that when you are about to have sex with someone for the first time. Or even the second.
Not long ago, I decided to emotionally cleanse my extra-curricular relationships. I felt like it was a lot to deal with, what with feelings having to be processed on a continuous basis. But I think I might have allowed the pendulum to swing too far in the other direction. Just like taking the fat out of food and being surprised when it is flavorless, taking the emotions out of sex has created a situation where sex is becoming more and more bland.
I never thought I would see the day, frankly. I feel like I do at the end of many of my creative projects, like I learned something, and now I am waiting for the next thing. I finished this creative sexual project, so what is my next one?
I know, saying that all the sex I am having is getting boring seems crazy, or like I don't understand how lucky I am to have so much. Well, that might be true. But, this is how I learn about myself. I push myself to limits before unknown to me, just like the crew on THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, and inso doing, I learn more about who I am as a person. Evidentally, I am not a person who likes sex without emotion. Galaxy discovered, explored, and recorded.
The thing I have to step back and appreciate though is that I have the freedom and the confidence to do this. I believe that I am allowed to have sex with whoever I want, whenever I want (as long as they are also willing,) and make no apologies. Many, many people all over the world cannot say the same, and in that way, I am lucky, but also, I have earned it. Which, if we lived in a perfect world, no one would have to do, we could all just do what we wanted without fear of judgement, discrimination, or punishment. But we live in a world, presently anyway, where those in power control us through fear. Some people are targeted more than others, to be sure, but none of us are encouraged by our society to be and love ourselves.
This, in a very clear way, is what self-love can do. It can give you the confidence and the courage to be yourself, and in this judgmental, consumer-driven, patriarchal world, that is no easy feat. In fact, I often think of Shackleton's ad for men to go to Antarctica when I am attempting to persuade myself into self-love:
"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Low wages, bitter cold, long hours of complete darkness. Safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success."
I write about self-love a lot because my life has changed so much due to the self-love practice to which I have committed, because NOT being loving towards myself would be too fucking limiting.
If I were constantly trying to "fit in" or "conform," my life would be so much smaller, I would be less happy, and way busier with even more boring shit than having sex with strangers. I hope I haven't lost you here. It is getting a little existential, I know, but I believe in the end, it will all be worth it. GET IT!?!?! I love existential humor.
That is the thing about self love. It is hard as fuck, it takes constant vigilance. You will most likely fuck up a lot. But not doing it at this point feels to me like choosing to live in a cage, and nobody with a choice should have to do that.
Self-love is not a destination, it is a hard-as-fuck journey that requires focus, courage, and humility. Some of the benefits are astounding, though the pitfalls can be quite harrowing. But it is a life worth living, to be certain, and I am happy to deal with the struggles that come with it, as long as it means I can also be free.
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