I have tried everything; therapy, energy work, digging and discovering the root of the problem. I have entered into an open relationship with the intent of working this issue out. But it has not abated, and I can tell you why. I have not admitted to it. Not to my partner or anyone who matters. I have hidden it deep in my cellar, where it has grown moldy and fetid, hoping that no one would notice, knowing that visitors to my home do smell something funny, but are too polite to ask about it.
But I am finally exhausted. I have finally had enough. I am giving up and going ahead and admitting to the world that sometimes, I am a small person. Sometimes, when women pay a special kind of attention to my fella in front of me, it makes me crazy. Sometimes, when my fella flirts with women, I feel a rage boil up within me that I know I will not be able to contain or hide. Sometimes, when I feel like I am not being considered or appreciated, I get extraordinarily anxious, frightened, I would say even panicked.
The thing is, my fella has shown no sign whatsoever that he would leave me for someone. I know intellectually that he loves me, that he holds me above all others in his heart. My jealousy is completely and utterly based upon experiences in my youth which I was helpless to do anything about. So I have decided to turn this burden into a gift. I have decided to do two things:
- Allow myself to be jealous. Feel every bit of it. Own. That. Shit. Give myself Jealousy with a capital J for 2016. Accept this about myself, embrace it, and stop judging myself for it.
- Declare openly that I am jealous when I feel it, and ask for what I need in the moment; not after.
I know that from past experience, any secret I have ever kept has caused some type of problem in my life. There really is no such thing as secrets. Especially when it comes to emotions. Anything you try to bury comes out in some other way, usually unexpectedly and almost always in a way that is incredibly damaging.
This is not to say that I am no longer jealous, I am. But I am free from having to hide it. I am free from having to act in a way that is counter to how I am feeling. I am free from treating myself like I don't have a right to my feelings. I am not giving myself the room to be all of who I am, and in so doing, not allowing myself the absolute freedom to deal with it. I am behaving as if I do not deserve to be loved.
This is what the hard stuff takes, and by hard stuff, I mean the stuff you do over and over in your life, creating the same bad result for yourself and everyone else around you. You have something like that? Yeah, that is because you are punishing yourself with it by trying to hide it from people. You are in denial and it is damaging you. You are keeping your secret from the open air of love and it cannot oxidize. It cannot change. Suffocating your emotions will not kill them. Suffocating your emotions gives them a reason to find another way out; in the form of angry outbursts, passive aggressive behavior, and outright shittiness.
If I can inspire you in this endeavor, I would very much like to. Please, please please let your shortcomings out for air. Admit to them. The part of you that is keeping it a secret is your ego and is not working in your best interest. In 2016, I encourage you to let your secrets out into the air of love so they can oxidize. Give your shittiness up to the world. Embrace it. Address it. Love it.
Love even the smallest, shittiest parts of yourself in 2016. Why? Cause what you are doing now isn't working, is it?