I started to become the person who annoys me. She complains constantly about her job. She is easily agitated. She has no patience for the little things that happen, the things that must happen, throughout the day in any position in any operation.
I wasn't doing these things outwardly necessarily...well, not all the time....but in my head...the voices in my head were becoming angrier and angrier. I could not get any break from them...even at home. They kept me awake at night, they were even with me in the bathroom. That was when I knew it was time to leave.
I quit my job. I had no other plan but to rely on myself through writing and other endeavors to support myself, but I knew I couldn't stay. I knew this because in the past, I had stayed too long in other places and had become a horrible, angry person. I had become a person who most people grew tired of because she complained about the same stuff over and over...even after she left her job...for years, she would continue to complain about this scenario or that inept person or that ridiculous process.
So I know better. I know that my life is worth more than any position I could ever hold. I know that when I stay anywhere, in a relationship, a job, a home, or even a class that in some way communicates to me that I am less than, that I make myself a door mat, and this is dangerous. It is dangerous because at some point, I just might start believing it, I might even start acting like it.
And you know what happens to people who act like doormats? They get walked on. All because they thought that staying in the relationship, job, or home was safer than taking a risk on themselves. They thought that being where they were was much better than delving into the unknown. They believe it is easier to blame others for their unhappiness. After all, they are being walked on. They don't stop to realize that if they got up off the floor, that wouldn't be happening.
Taking myself out of bad situations and putting myself in the position where I have to rely on me is scary, but it is always the right thing to do. The message that sends is clearly different. This message is one of expectation, support, and love. It is a message of belief. Belief in my strength, in my ability to make it work, in my ability to land on my feet. It is one I want to send to myself as often as possible, because I know that if I keep sending it, eventually, I will believe it.
And you know what happens to people who act like they they believe in themselves? The world opens up and opportunities and experiences they had never perceived as possible present themselves. Those people understand that the more they risk, the more they can perceivably gain.
The person who stays in her job, relationship, or home and is satisfied to blame the world for her unhappiness misses out on a lot of what life can be. She misses out on what she can be.
I would rather be the person who takes the risk and bets on herself.
How about you? How are you risking? How are you betting on yourself?
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