Thanks for visiting the blog. I just published a post on Elephant Journal you might enjoy. I am taking the week off for a bit of overhaul and re-tooling of my business and website. Until next week, be well and make good choices!!
I was talking with a new friend of mine the other day, discussing the idea that we remove ourselves from our own lives. We discussed all the ways in which we put something, be it technology, emotional walls, or screen doors in between ourselves and human experience.
For a long time, I traced this distancing tendency back to the remote control, but in truth, it goes back farther than that, to the advent of the television. Television gave people a reason to stay home at night. Instead of going to a play, or a movie, or a community event, people could stay home and be entertained for the evening without having to relate to anyone.
By 1947 there were 44,000 televisions in the United States as compared to 40 million radios.The first national live broadcast occurred in 1951. It was a speech by Harry Truman from the Japanese Peace Treaty in San Francisco.
What does this have to do with me? With you? Well here we are, sitting in front of our computers, our phones, tablets, or other hand-held devices sitting not too far away, and we are losing the ability to really communicate with each other, which, let's face it, we were never really that good at in the first place.
We are relying on a crutch to hobble around as our communication legs slowly atrophy beneath us. The more they atrophy, the more the crutch is needed, until all we have are useless little legs, and we have to wheel ourselves around on our technology chairs, which only serve to keep us even further away from each other. Ever tried to hug someone from a wheelchair? Awkward, if not impossible.
I have witnessed first hand people emailing each other who are working within the same fifty feet of space. I sit in restaurants and watch people all around me on their phones instead of engaging with the person they are with. I myself have become this person; my phone is always on hand, ready for when I have a moment of time to check my status on any one of several different social networking platforms.
I used to complain about "those people." Now I am one of them.
It is one of the reasons I have undertaken the projects that I have. I want to talk with people. I want to get to know them, to see the world, if only for a moment, through their eyes. I want to watch a smile spread across their face, or watch them scratch their head in bewilderment, or laugh with joy. The world both expands and shrinks when I really listen to people, when I am really curious about them, when I allow them to express themselves honestly and openly, without judgement. The more I get to know them, the less I fear them, and the more brave I become about meeting new people.
It is a big reason I am teaching classes on How to Pick Up Dudes. Picking Up Dudes in real time is so much more thrilling than doing it via Tinder, Plenty of Fish, OK Cupid or Match. In fact, it is also much less time consuming and more safe. This might sound ridiculous to you, but hear me out. As someone who has spent a TON of time on dating websites, I can tell you, you spend more time on line sending messages back and forth trying to get to know someone before you actually meet them than you would simply going out to a public place and looking for another person to talk to.
No matter how long you have messaged, emailed, or otherwise sexted with an individual (come on, we all do it), it all comes down to the face-to-face, eye-to-eye meeting. It all comes down to smell, to smile, to laugh. It comes down, in the end, to the human experience. It is virtually impossible to truly experience another through a device. But still, we do it, through fear or laziness, or folly, we continue on.
It is scary to go out and try and talk to a stranger. There are all kinds of crazy, dangerous people out there, according to Fox News. But what a compliment it is to the person who you make the effort to meet. What a wonderful surprise it is when a complete stranger shows interest in you in real time, without a computer or device to hide behind. It is the difference between butter and margarine, letters and emails, Tofurky and turkey. It is The Real Deal.
I know why it scares me. I have a very deep desire to truly be seen, but a horrible fear of the rejection I might face if I ask for it. It is easier to ask via email, when I don't have to look into a person's eyes, or feel the disgust I imagine that they have for me when they refuse to look.
But none of that is real. We are all of us afraid. And our fear is what keeps us at home on the couch, or on our devices, or in the corner with our beer, not raising our eyes to meet anyone's gaze. Our fear drives us away from each other, from the very good things that can happen when two, three or four people meet.
Yes, I am teaching classes called How to Pick Up Dudes. But what I am really teaching is the skill of reaching out, through your greatest fears, to grab ahold of someone and pull. I am teaching the skill of engagement. I am teaching people how to celebrate the human experience. We are all, after all, human.
This business, this blog, these classes, are my way of fighting back. My way of standing up for the eye-to-eye experience, my way of calling bullshit on my fears. In my classes, you don't just learn How to Pick Up Dudes. You learn the very human skill of communication, you learn to face your fear of The Other, and through that work, come to realize that The Other is not separate, that The Other is in fact a fabrication that only exists in your mind.
What are you going to do today to reach out and pull? Who are you going to look in the eye? What fear are you going to prove false?
Turn off your television, put down your device, and talk to someone. You will be glad you did.
Didja like this? Tweet it! Re-blog it! FB Like it! Send it to a buddy via email! Or go out and find someone to talk with about it.
And if you are interested in dating classes, send me an email. I promise I will respond within twenty-four hours.
There is a certain dynamic that exists between women, all women, where we attempt to one-up each other, prove we are the actual center of attention, or otherwise be hateful to each other in order to gain a man's favor. Girl Games. If you do not know what I am talking about, you are most likely a man.
I found myself in the middle of them very recently, and my unfortunate initial reaction was not good. Not good at all. It was, in fact, very Girl Game-y.
I will spare you the incredibly ridiculous and embarrassing details. Suffice it to say that it is incredibly challenging for me to take the high road on these occasions. First of all, the air up there is incredibly thin. Secondly, I have a history of anger, rage, and emotional outbursting (a new term I have recently created) in stressful situations.
The good news is that this time, I stopped. After very nearly acting out in rage and frustration, I took a walk instead. I ate some chocolate. I talked with a friend. Then, I took the highest road possible. I apologized for my rudeness.
When I did, the Girl Gamer in question pretended to not know what I was talking about, but it didn't matter. I knew that if I had given in to my rage, I would have felt horrible about myself. In treating a Girl Gamer with kindness and respect, I was able to leave the situation feeling pretty good about myself; I was able to look back upon the incident feeling like I had not given anything away.
I know if I had done something destructive or mean, I would only be destroying myself. I would not have proven anything, and I would be regretting what I had done for weeks.
I was able to make this choice because I know the feeling of the other. I know the feeling of regret, of staying awake at night wishing I had gone another way, of wanting to take back every mean thing that had come out of my mouth. In short, I was able to make this choice because of all the pain I have caused myself in the past by being cruel.
That is why I consider this a practice. I have to work at it. I have to be mindful of it, and most importantly, I have to be able to cool down, step back and look at the big picture of Sara. I have to ask myself who I want to be, and answer with the appropriate behavior.
I like to think of my initial emotional response as one from the woman who forgot herself; the woman who could not remember her greatness. She is delightfully chaotic, as Steve Maraboli says, but she is someone who causes problems that last too long to make that small angry moment worth it.
I do still stumble a lot; I act out on my fears and insecurities and regret ever having opened my mouth. These small moments of victory keep me moving forward and keep me in the practice. They give me hope for myself and show me the benefit of not doing that wrong thing that the weaker part of me wants to do so badly.
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I am a lucky woman for many reasons, but in one way, I consider myself truly fortunate; I have had a lot of sexual opportunities with many different people in many different places. This has not been a life-long phenomenon, on the contrary, it just started happening for me about four or five years ago.
At first, I was like a kid in a candy shop, wanting to try every flavor, every texture, every bit of goodness on the shelves, and for a long time, that worked for me. But then one morning, after a particularly raucous interlude, I woke up feeling empty. As if I had not just had great sex. I realized that I actually hadn't. After great thought and soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I had to start being more selective with my tastings.
So I came up with a three step, fail-proof method to choose my lovers, and I am happy to say, I am offering it to you today for the very low price of FREE. Mostly because I think everyone should have the ability to choose great lovers for themselves. I don't want money to be what gets between you and great sex. That wouldn't be right.
Before you read the list, it is a prerequisite that you think that you are awesome. You must truly believe that you are a wonderful human being for this to work well. If you do not yet see that you are a wonderful human being, stop reading right now, go work on yourself, and then come back. This list will be here for you.
Start now. Make the list, get to know your body. Start talking to people. I am not saying it is going to be easy, but I am saying it is going to be worth it.
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