Sometimes you miss the most obvious things.
I seriously cannot believe that I write a sex and dating blog and I have not yet written about the amazingness of sexting. Sexting is one of those things that can be a game changer. Sexting can be what gets you through the day. Sexting, in itself, can be enough, given the right set of circumstances.
Sexting is different things to different people, but I prefer to think of it as a powerful tool that can be used for accomplishing all kinds of different goals, kind of like a light saber.
For starters, before you meet someone new, sexting can be used to get to know someone better. In fact, it can be a determining factor in deciding whether you want to meet them at all! For instance, I live very close to the border of Canada. Times being what they are, it can take up to 3 hours to cross the border depending on traffic and the temperament of the border guards. In essence, I can live 45 miles away from a sexual prospect, but it might as well be 245, due to the confounding factor of the border. So recently, when I met a man on Tinder, only to find out later that he was Canadian, I decided, after several excited sexting interactions, that this would be the nature of our relationship. Yes, dear reader, this is my world, where I can eat my cake here....or take it virtually. Which in the end, saves calories.
I also use it as a wake up call. I send the people I am seeing a picture of myself every morning. This serves several purposes:
Sexting, when used correctly, can inject excitement and mystery into any relationship. Sending a picture of yourself to your significant other...one that just hints at what you will do to them later...that shit is priceless. Showing them a side of you that cannot easily be seen; the secret side, the side that the two of you share...over text. It gets me wet just thinking about it.
Sexting can also be a way to explore your sexuality in a more comfortable way. I mean, how many people have written things via text that they would never say in person? It is the same with sexting. It can help you inch up to your sexual curiosities safely, from a distance. It can give you the time and space to build the courage you need to try that threesome you have always wanted to take part in. It can also communicate to someone that you are interested in them in a particular way...so if by chance they are not interested in you in the same way, you do not have to look them in the eye when they let you know that, and you can turn red with embarrassment from the safety of your couch.
I feel that in order to be responsible, I must also warn you that putting yourself out there, into the hands of others so to speak, (yes, I did) can lead to you finding your naked body somewhere on the internet, without your permission. This is just a reality of the times, so if you are not into having your nether/hither regions on the WWW, then by all means, use extreme caution. But, if you are like me, and you are good with it, then use the sext as a tool as I have.
Sexting by its nature is sexy because it is illicit. It is taking a risk, whether it is appropriate or not. Sexting can be the start of a beautiful relationship. It can also be the end of one. It is really up to you how you use it, but like any other great power, it comes with great responsibility, so use it wisely. Use it for good. Use it for fun. Use it to get to know yourself better. Get creative. Explore the virtual world via sext. It has the potential to add to your life in ways you would have never guessed.
Didja like this? Find it helpful? SHARE it by all means. Or sext it to someone with a little somethin extra....it might just turn your day around.
The Cost of Silence
This week, I received a lot of critical feedback about my blog in one form or another, both positive and negative. I always love hearing the good stuff. It makes me feel proud and good about what I love and do, and it lets me know that I am on the right path.
The negative stuff is a bit more challenging to process. I see the value in negative critical feedback, so I think about it, even though it might hurt me. I turn it over in my mind even though it might confirm my worst fears about my voice. I have to do this because I am looking for the lesson.
I could very easily paint the negative feedback as "uninformed" or "crazy", but that would be too easy, and I would miss an opportunity to learn something about myself. I try to learn what I can from the people I know, even if it is painful.
I write about what I do to connect with people, I write about my experiences so that people don't feel like they are all alone. I write about my experiences because I know that people are afraid to write openly about their pain.
But I will say...that there is a point past which I will not go.
I grew up raised by a woman who had to lie about who she was. This ate her up inside. My lesbian mother hid who she was for decades. Her partners were forced to do the same. I was raised by women who could not proudly stand up in the world and say, "this is me!" I remember going with my mother and her partner to buy a house in the country. She educated my brother and I to tell the real estate man that they were "business partners". We knew they were more, but when she taught us that lie, she also taught us the intolerance in which the world would recieve her. It never left us, that feeling of not belonging, of not feeling human.
So many of us in the world have been raised by people who would not be accepted as "parents". But we are here, and we have seen the toll that this type of hatred, intollerance and phobia has taken on the people we love.
These women would not be accepted by the society they had to live in. They were business partners. They were covert operatives in a game that they had to play to survive. Because of this, I will always always always stand up for the person who is brave enough, strong enough, to be who they are, and will always give room to people who need it to find themselves. But I will NEVER EVER allow hate speech. I can't. I see the damage that it does. I have suffered for the intolerence that "difference" provides.
So, when you come to me with your speech that defends intolerance, or your speech that defines hatred, please, do not expect patience. I will not give it. I cannot abide hatred. I cannot abide this type of perspective. I watched many women and men suffer for it. I suffered for it. I see the way the people who I love suffer for it.
I am brave enough to write about my perspective because I see what silence costs. Silence and tolerance costs lives. There is no other way to say it. If you will not speak up, will not stand up for those who need to be defended, then you deservve the world that results from that inactivity.
I will not stand by and watch. I cannot. I will not.
Share this! tweet the crap out of it!!! Send it to the people you love. Really. Throw this in the faces of people who have not thought about it. We need to change. We need to be more compassionate. Just share this.
We Think it's Hot
I was texting with one of my dates the other day, and we were discussing my strap on. I told him that I enjoyed pegging and asked if he would be interested. He replied that he would in no way want that kind of thing from a man, and if a man ever did it to him then it would be because he raped him, but with me, he would like to try it.
I wish I could say that I was surprised by this answer, but sadly, this is an answer I get all too often from men I know or date. I am not sure exactly what people think they gain when they take the position that this type of phobic rant illustrates, but I will tell you what I think this type of response does.
This type of rant tells me that you are afraid of your feelings. You are afraid of what they say about you, and also, afraid of how your social group will react to those feelings if they are acted upon. That is a micro environment effect.
In a macro environment, this non-acceptance of self creates a dissonance that results in sadness, anger, and in the end, hate speak/behavior. These feelings result in racism, sexism, homophobia, and every other type of fear/hate activity in which a group of people are marginalized or punished.
We are afraid of ourselves. We are afraid of what our emotions, desires, and drives say about us. We have forgotten that we are animals, and that nature knows better. This is why I write about my drives and my sexual nature. I know it is natural for me. I have accepted who I am, embraced what I once feared, and love myself for who I have become. I have experienced my own evolution from fearful to confident. The more of myself I accept, the more I transform, the more the world around me is a kinder place. Why? Because nothing outside of myself makes me doubt what is within me.
There is evidence of this type of reactive behavior between millions of different groups of people:
· Parents and non-parents
· Rich people and poor people
· Men and women
· People of color and Caucasians
· Gay people and straight people
· Meat eaters and vegetarians
· Christians and other religious groups
· Stay-at-home moms and professional women
· People from states or countries which share a border
· Young people and old people
This list is not exhaustive by any means, but it shows how easily people are judged due to perceived differences.
So when I hear a man speak this way, or read a text or something that professes this type of intolerance, I do the only thing I can do, I let them know how I feel. And given how I feel about my own sexuality, (awesome) you can bet that I also think what other’s non-harming sexual drives are. Hot. Amazing. Liberating. That is because I know that the more people feel free to be who they are on every level, including sexually, the happier they are. The kinder they are. That is hot. When a person can tell me that they are open to the possibilities? That they feel comfortable enough in their own skin to express their belief in individuality and personal freedom? I feel safe. I trust.
There is nothing more exciting or inspiring than being around people who accept themselves.
I texted the guy in question back and told him that I am not turned on by phobias, that in fact, I think it is hot when men feel comfortable enough to admit that there is an attraction for them to other men. I suggested that the forcefulness of his response might indicate that he was afraid to accept or look at something about himself that might be in need of attention.
His response? “You are probably right.”
You want to hook up with a sexually open woman? One who feels free to express their sexuality in whatever form and is unafraid to try new things? I am here to tell you, on behalf of sexually open women everywhere, accept yourself, no matter what. We think it’s hot.
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Spike's List in Action!
Living in a one-horse town like Bellingham is quite charming when you are a sexually active gal. On any given night, I can walk into a restaurant/bar/bookstore and recognize at least three people I have dated. Such was the case this last week when I stopped into Elizabeth Station after yoga to grab a beer.
It was a beautiful summer evening. I had been there relaxing for about a half hour, standing at the community table enjoying a La Folie when I noticed that one of the men I had picked up there last summer was there with some friends. Moments later, I recognized another man I had a one-day stand with a couple of years before. I smiled to myself, feeling pretty good about the luck of my life, when the one-day man approached and asked if I could watch his beer while he went to the bathroom. I said sure, and smiled at him with a knowing look. Moments later he returned, reporting that the line was too long.
I then inquired as to how he had been. His response was the beginning of a series of interactions which I can only describe as wonderful.
"So, how have you been?"
"Fine....do I know you?"
"Yes, I am Sara...."
"Oh, and how do I know you Sara?", he asked, smiling into my eyes...reaching out to shake my hand...I took it and replied,
"I am the Sara you fucked." I replied a bit louder than normal, for effect.
"Oh!!" He looked around, slightly embarrassed.
He then proceeded to tell me that he remembered me and dared me to say that line twice as loud. When I told him I am the kind of person who does that very thing, just for kicks, he reconsidered, much to my disappointment. Once he got over his awkwardness, he decided, once again, to talk about why I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. "I just didn't like it." Was all I answered at first, but he pushed, so I told him that I like to be manhandled more, pushed around a bit. He responded brightly, "Oh, well, I can do that!" Then went into a bit of a lecture about how adults tell each other what they need instead of simply discarding them. In a certain context, maybe. But if you have sex with a person and know it isn't for you, why? Why put in the effort when you can simply catch and release?
Later, I was at home, telling my roommates this epic tale of delight when one of them exclaimed, "Oh Shit! Oh Shit! Is this guy's name Blake? (Name changed to protect the innocent-ish) Did he used to be in Real Estate? And he sails now?" I was a bit taken aback by her outburst, and replied very slowly, "yeah.....why?" She pulled up his profile on Ok Cupid and asked, "this guy?" I looked and saw that it was indeed the man in question. "Yeah, that's him." She replied in exasperation, "I can't date anyone in this town because you have fucked them all!" I just shrugged my shoulders and suggested that maybe I could stop having sex with people in Bellingham.
She told me that she had gone out with him a while back and he had forgotten about her too, which gave us all pause to wonder if the guy had an actual memory problem. She asked why I didn't want to have sex with him again, and at first, I just said that it really wasn't good and that she wouldn't like it, but both she and my other roommate wanted details, so I gave them. I told her that he had the unfortunate habit of cheering me on in the most unappetizing way as I was approaching orgasm..."yes, Sara, oh yes, Sara, uh huh Sara, that's right, Sara....." Such that I completely lost my ability to cum...even my desire to do so. I have to admit that I faked orgasm just so I could get it over with and get him out of there. As he walked out the door, he asked me if I got my toes curled. A perfectly trite ending for a very strange sexual experience.
After I gave her the description of the sex she agreed that she most likely would not like that. Bullet dodged. At least for her.
This is the thing about casual sex, and why I love it so. It is easily entered into and just as easily left. There does not need to be a lot of time and energy wasted. If a person's sexual style is not to your liking, very little explanation is needed. It is a refreshing experience to be able to feel that free. There are no false promises and nothing to work on. Even if some guy in a bar tells you otherwise.
After our interchange, my roommate sent Blake a message telling him about the amazing coincidence of our cohabitation and similar experience and that she felt like she should cancel as he had forgotten both of us and she didn't feel right about seeing him. He replied that he was embarrassed and would like to cancel. But that he was looking for an LTR. So I assumed that meant I could throw his Captain's card away.
More than anything, I see this series of adventures as proof that a Spike's List could work, given the resources and time to build up a proper data base on the sexual prowess and proclivities of men all over the world. I also think that given people's abilities of review, this could be an amazingly entertaining website. The problems this would solve for busy women world-wide, it boggles the mind. Imagine all the time saved and the heartache averted! Imagine all the awesome sex you could have...with just a couple clicks of your mouse!
Watch for the Indiegogo project coming soon.
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