Eloquent as Fuck - Eloquent as Fuck

The Best Thing

11/30/2017

The stabbing pain of the cramp, shooting from between my two smallest toes up into my foot, was something I had felt coming all through yoga class, so it was no surprise that it arrived as I lay on my back with my legs in the air, toes pointed. Well, toes pointed until the pain arrived.

For some reason, I decided to see what it would do. Usually, my reaction would be to reach for the cramp, rub it, undo the twist that my toes curl into, and move on, all the while feeling the threat of that cramp coming back. This time, I handled it differently; I relaxed, and within in seconds, the pain subsided, my toes uncurled, and after, I felt no threat of the pain returning.

It is in moments like these that I am most proud of myself because I know that this event is not just about the cramp. It is about how I handle discomfort of all varieties.

In the past, I would do anything I could to avoid it. Self-soothing with food, alcohol, sex, my phone, TV, FB, or anything else I could get my hands on to either distract me from or dull down the pain. I was so afraid of knowing myself, so afraid of understanding where my pain was and why. I was so afraid to touch the trauma I had suffered, as part of me suspected that it was my own fault. This fear kept me from myself.

But, I learned, over time, to sit with my discomfort. I learned to look at the most painful parts of myself and air them out, no matter how shameful, how embarrassing, or how wrong I felt I was. This part has never been easy, and I cannot say it has gotten easier over time. Looking at my darkness and claiming it is a struggle every time. It's just that now, I know what is on the other side of it.

On the other side is a deeper knowing and appreciation of myself. Through sitting with, accepting, and claiming what is most shameful to me, I release the shame, and I am free. I am okay with the parts of me that are not so wonderful, and this in turn helps me to accept the darkness in others.

Because I am not a stranger to myself, I am more apt to give other people the opportunity to be known. I am more apt to allow myself to be known. It is easier for me to set boundaries, to ask for what I need, and to feel at home in my body. That said, this is not a constant joy in my life. This is not a space in which I have arrived and now everything is groovy. This is a space of awareness, and I stay here, battling, struggling, because the world is a better place with this version of me in it.

As I write that, I know that some will bristle. I know that some will want to hate me for that. I know because part of me feels that too. But, I used to be the person who made people cry. I used to be the person who could make people feel small with a look. I used to be the person who strategized how to bring my enemies down. And, in a way, I liked being that person. I felt strong, in a way.

But the person who sends people away smiling? The person who sends people away inspired? She does make the world a better place, and on my good days, I am that person.

So I would say to you, if there is anything about yourself that brings you pain, look at it. Hold it. Understand that pushing it down, trying to ignore or deny it, will only cause problems.

We are here to enjoy the experience of being human. We are here to see how far we can go, how much we can do for each other. We are here to reach our highest potential, but that is not possible if we deny parts of ourselves. It is not possible if we cannot accept that we are all of us, in some way, broken.

Do not let your pain keep you from yourself. You are worth knowing. You might not think so, you might have been told differently all of your life. But you are, and the best thing in world is knowing who you are. Because that is a journey that will never end, and never get boring, and even if that is all you ever do, get to really know and accept yourself, the world will be a better place for having you in it, too.

Uplifting, no?
Inspiring, yes?
If you liked this, share it! FB like it! Tweet it! And then, do one thing today to get to know yourself better. Who knows? You might find out that you are excellent at cooking squash! That stuff sometimes just happens! Then, you will be someone who eats yummy squash for the rest of their days!!! Ya never know. It could happen.

My Two Feet

11/25/2017

Not long after I moved to the Pacific Northwest from Chicago, I decided I needed a new rule in my new hometown. This rule, I decided, would protect me from all the PNW people wanting to be much too close.

You see, the more I moved through my life in the PNW, the more I realized that these people were huggers. Not only that, but I came to the understanding that I was not. So, in order to protect myself from the random hugs people thought they were entitled to, I made a rule. I needed two feet.

I called my two feet my personal space bubble, and though certain people made fun of me for it, it was my easy go-to every time I thought someone was getting too close. This kept co-workers, fellow students, friends, and all other forms of people from getting close enough to hug me.

Of course, I experienced push back. My wasband's father, who thought it was perfectly fine to pick me up off the ground when he hugged me, or kiss me full on the lips while greeting me, made fun of me. He told my wasband that I was the problem. And while my wasband pleaded with me to let his father manhandle me, I didn't care. I had a personal space bubble, and, as I told him, and everyone else, it wasn't personal, it was just me, and that was what I was comfortable with.

I use this rule to this day to keep myself safe and comfortable in social and professional situations, and when this fails, I have a number of other ways to handle people who get too close or too familiar without my permission. They are nowhere near as kind as my two foot space bubble.

It is great because it is easy to let people know in a very friendly way without offending, and easy to laugh off when people don't like it. Because, really, I don't give a shit. At a certain point, you have to make sure that no one is going to touch you in the wrong way, and the best way to do that is to keep them away from you.

The alternative, I have found, is to have to deal with it after someone has touched/hugged/licked me inappropriately, and then have them give me all the bullshit reasons that I misunderstood, they didn't mean it the way I took it, I'm too sensitive, or too uptight, blah, blah, blah.

It is very easy for me to have this rule because that alternative, the one where I am the crazy person and the offending party is the normal one, is something that I absolutely cannot handle emotionally. I know myself well enough to know that I will never, ever be taken care of by anyone else as well as I take care of myself, and, that waiting for some form of justice to arrive so that I can feel safe from someone who believes it is their right to get way too close to me will take much too long for me to feel sane.

When I meet other people who also have this type of attitude, I am quite gratified. For instance, there are people I have known for years. I love them, they love me, but we do not need to get so close that we must hug each other. We can love each other from a distance and that is just fine. There are plenty of people I hug, kiss, perhaps even wrestle with on occasion, but, that is, of course, with my consent, and theirs, and a mutual understanding that boundaries will be respected.

I do hope that some day, the world we live in will be full of people who love and respect themselves enough to not force themselves on others in any physical or emotional way, and I am working hard to create that type of world with every effort I have in my small body, but until that time, I will always have my two feet, and that, I have found, will work just fine until that time.

The people who know me know that I have two feet, and they respect them. How about you? Do you have a go-to to keep a safe distance between you and unwanted physical attention? I would love to hear about it!!! ALSO, share. Like. Tweet. Do what you can. I will give you plenty of room in which to do it.

Bent to Accomodate

11/15/2017

"You know, I am not that person. I can't go down there and tell people to stop picking on you."

These were the words my boss used when I spoke with him about the work environment in which I found myself months after taking my latest job. He knew some of the managers I worked with were intentionally stone-walling me, undermining me, and generally engaging in back stabbery. But he would do nothing at all about it.

This was not the first time I had experienced this type of thing in the work place. In fact, I have experienced it in most of the places in which I have worked. This was different though in that my boss made me no false promises, and that, in a way, gave me permission to do what I needed to do to take care of myself.

And this was a first in my professional life. In every other case, I was asked, little by little, to bend, little by little, to forget small parts of myself that, while very important to me, were getting in the way of a smooth operational environment at work. Over the course of my work life at any job, I would lose a sense of myself, little by little, until finally, I would have to quit just short of losing my mind.

Losing yourself by inches is a profoundly painful thing to witness, because you know that you are participating in your own disintegration. You watch as those around you, the people who have been treating you so badly, get to go through their days as if nothing is a problem, and no one gets in their way, all the while knowing that you are making space for this to happen. Over time, this can really be discouraging. Over time, this can really affect the way you view yourself and your place in the world.

So with his permission, I handled it myself. I handled it myself for two years, until I could no longer do it. It turns out that it is a lot of work securing your boundaries and having confrontational conversations every time you witness someone trying to fuck with you. But I did, and every time I did, I felt better about myself, and when I quit, it was happily, and with no regrets, because I never had to bend and I never had to be less than who I was. To the contrary, every time I had a conversation with someone who was engaging in unprofessional behavior, I grew.

Being trained in this way to take care of myself really elevated my awareness of what I felt I was worth. In the end, it was what encouraged me to leave. Quitting was not hard, because it was just another way in which I was taking care of myself at work. I saw that the job was not worth all the things I had to do to put up with it, and it also showed me that I did love the place I worked, and I wanted to keep loving it, even after I left, so I left while I was still pretty happy. And I am happy still.

It has also spread into other areas of my life. I won't bend or diminish in favor of another, not in work, not in love, and not in life. But many people do, because we are asked to do it in school, at home, in every place we get to practice being human. But this practice, this training of non-diminishment is important, because even as I do not give way for another, I also grow, I expand, and I begin to understand just how valuable I am.

Are you important enough to ask for better? Yes. You are. So ask for it. Demand it. Do not make yourself smaller so some other person can satisfy their ego. The more you do it, the more you will see and feel your value, and the easier it will be to guard and care for it.

Also, like, tweet and share. It could help someone you don't even know!

Masks

11/11/2017

This week I am taking off my mask. My skin is molding and the stench stings my eyes. I cannot breathe, and the mask rests on the same spots on my head and nose and they are becoming irritated from wear.

In Japan masks are made from cypress wood by artists who have studied the craft for years. They are made for a certain type of theatre in Japan, but the only character who wears them is the central or main character. All the supporting actors do not wear masks at all.

As is the case with all Japanese art, these masks are the products of patience, a high level of skill, and a complete and utter respect for the tradition of the craft.

When I am in my mask out in the world I take for granted that my supporting players are unmasked, when, chances are, they are doing the very same thing that I am doing. My mask directs my focus as to how I am seen, and how I can manuever to be seen in a certain light. I watch my responses and try to create situations in which I can feel comfortable, safe, and stable.

War veterans attempt to handle their PTSD by making masks which can express their pain and anguish to the people with whom they interact. PTSD is an emotional and mental injury; one that is hidden from the world unless the person with PTSD is triggered, and even then, it is difficult to know what it is like when you are not aware of its existence.

The common sentiment among the soldiers with PTSD is that they wished it were more visible to people, that if they had lost a limb or had been badly scarred, at least people would have a visual clue as to what they went through, and are still going through, but because the injury, the PTSD, is internal, there is no way for them to understand or know what is going on. The masks they create are a way for them to express this outwardly.

So,who are masks for? My initial reaction is that they are for the wearer, they protect her from judgment, from the unknown. But masks also serve the people around the wearer, in that they elicit a response. The masks the soldiers with PTSD create express their turmoil because it is not socially acceptable for them to behave as if anything bothers them. It is not okay for them, or for anyone to show this type of emotion or pain because our culture and society does not allow it. Our society treats this type of human expression as weakness.

We are expected to live in a cage of conformity and behave as if that is not brutality. We are expected to endure the extreme violence and aggression of this world and behave as if it is acceptable.

We get up every morning, put on the masks we must use to get through the day, and wonder why we feel so empty. We behave in an acceptable manner so that the people around us can feel at ease, and inside we are empty, or worse, we are full of the rage and pain that comes from ignoring ourselves, and every time we start to feel even a little of it, we stuff it down with whatever substance or distraction we can get our hands on.

We allow the violence and aggression. We condone the brutality and oppression. Then, when the abused, damaged and otherwise broken ask for help or show signs of abuse, we treat them as if they have done something wrong, as if they are weak, as if they are garbage.

Maybe I will keep my mask on, for now. It really doesn't smell that bad.

FB Like, Twitter, copy and paste, even sending the link to a loved one in need could help people.
It is time to change this. It is time to stop allowing the damaging behavior and start taking care of ourselves and each other.

How Well Do You Know Me?

11/2/2017

I get a lot of mileage out of meeting strangers. Establishing boundaries with people I don't know is one way I remind myself who I am and builds confidence toward who I am becoming.

But the people I know? That's way harder. If there is any way to explain it, I would say that meeting strangers and talking with them is like buying cut flowers, and having ongoing relationships with people that reveal myself over and over at deeper and deeper levels, that's like planting the seeds in the earth and tending to the plants consistently.

I think that might be why I prefer strangers. The work that I do on myself is not as threatening, and the depth to which I can go, well, its just not as deep. It is not that I don't have long-lasting relationships, I do, more than I can count, honestly, but these relationships require a presence and an availability that strangers do not, by definition, require.

Just recently I had a conflict with a friend of mine who suddenly saw me as less than perfect. I mean, I had no idea that she saw me that way, so it was quite a shock to me when she told me, but I had let her down, and it was such a blow to her idea of me that it struck at the foundation of her trust in me.

This is where it gets dangerous, because sometimes flowers die. No matter how much love, care, and water you put on those damn things, slugs are real, early freeze happens, and deer get hungry. Shit just dies. So the fear around confrontation is the risk of loss. You risk losing all the work you have put in to the life of a relationship, and sometimes that life is completely out of your hands. And the friends I have? I LOVE them. I really, really don't want to lose them. But at the same time, if we are not honest, if we don't talk about the things that come up, that is another way for the flowers to die.

As the daughter of many therapists, I have been trained over many painful years into confrontational conversations. I now cherish these conversations because I know what lies on the other side of them: life, love, growth, and other amazing things you almost never see coming. I am also aware of what lies on the other side of silence: paralyzing fear, illness, and eventually, death.

NOT talking with people you love about shit that is bothering you almost never ends well. Some people aren't into it. They can't handle hearing how you might see them, or, you might not be into the way that they see you. That's okay. Not every relationship is meant to last, and generally speaking, what other people think of you is none of your business. But, if you want to forge long lasting relationships with people who you can trust with your heart and soul, the work is by far more than worth it.

In closing, I want to thank all of my beloved friends who have asked more of me, knowing I can give it. I want you all to know that I would not be this person if you were not the person you are, and I will be forever grateful.

How about you, dear reader? You got friends who expect more of you? Who risk by being honest? Those people are GOLD. You might wanna give them a shout-out. They will really appreciate it.

HEY!!! Share this. It just might give people the courage to speak up. It just might be the key for someone to get to the next level in ALL their relationships. Like it, Tweet it. THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING AND READING AND COMMENTING AND LOVING. I have been writing this blog for 3.6 years and I have enjoyed every moment. Though, admittedly, some of these posts were not as fantastic as I would have hoped for....