I don't even get nervous on dates anymore, and I think it is starting to effect the experience. I was about to roll around in the sack with a guy the other week, and he was acting a bit odd, so I asked him if he was nervous, and he said, "yes, aren't you?" Frankly, I was not. I was actually, impatient.
I am not sure you are supposed to feel like that when you are about to have sex with someone for the first time. Or even the second.
Not long ago, I decided to emotionally cleanse my extra-curricular relationships. I felt like it was a lot to deal with, what with feelings having to be processed on a continuous basis. But I think I might have allowed the pendulum to swing too far in the other direction. Just like taking the fat out of food and being surprised when it is flavorless, taking the emotions out of sex has created a situation where sex is becoming more and more bland.
I never thought I would see the day, frankly. I feel like I do at the end of many of my creative projects, like I learned something, and now I am waiting for the next thing. I finished this creative sexual project, so what is my next one?
I know, saying that all the sex I am having is getting boring seems crazy, or like I don't understand how lucky I am to have so much. Well, that might be true. But, this is how I learn about myself. I push myself to limits before unknown to me, just like the crew on THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, and inso doing, I learn more about who I am as a person. Evidentally, I am not a person who likes sex without emotion. Galaxy discovered, explored, and recorded.
The thing I have to step back and appreciate though is that I have the freedom and the confidence to do this. I believe that I am allowed to have sex with whoever I want, whenever I want (as long as they are also willing,) and make no apologies. Many, many people all over the world cannot say the same, and in that way, I am lucky, but also, I have earned it. Which, if we lived in a perfect world, no one would have to do, we could all just do what we wanted without fear of judgement, discrimination, or punishment. But we live in a world, presently anyway, where those in power control us through fear. Some people are targeted more than others, to be sure, but none of us are encouraged by our society to be and love ourselves.
This, in a very clear way, is what self-love can do. It can give you the confidence and the courage to be yourself, and in this judgmental, consumer-driven, patriarchal world, that is no easy feat. In fact, I often think of Shackleton's ad for men to go to Antarctica when I am attempting to persuade myself into self-love:
"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Low wages, bitter cold, long hours of complete darkness. Safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success."
I write about self-love a lot because my life has changed so much due to the self-love practice to which I have committed, because NOT being loving towards myself would be too fucking limiting.
If I were constantly trying to "fit in" or "conform," my life would be so much smaller, I would be less happy, and way busier with even more boring shit than having sex with strangers. I hope I haven't lost you here. It is getting a little existential, I know, but I believe in the end, it will all be worth it. GET IT!?!?! I love existential humor.
That is the thing about self love. It is hard as fuck, it takes constant vigilance. You will most likely fuck up a lot. But not doing it at this point feels to me like choosing to live in a cage, and nobody with a choice should have to do that.
Self-love is not a destination, it is a hard-as-fuck journey that requires focus, courage, and humility. Some of the benefits are astounding, though the pitfalls can be quite harrowing. But it is a life worth living, to be certain, and I am happy to deal with the struggles that come with it, as long as it means I can also be free.