As a sexual person, and one who is open about it, I have ample opportunity to consider the world from this angle. I write about it a lot too, which helps me to think about it with a clarity that I might not have otherwise. In the last week, I have considered:
It is my belief that the less you allow the above bullshit to effect you, the better your sex life will be. Why? Because the above bullshit really doesn't matter. Well, women having control over their bodies matters greatly, but suspend your emotional reaction for a moment so I may get to my point. What I mean is, if you go through life in a conscious way, you don't have to buy into the crap that organizations, religions, political systems or marketing campaigns try to push on you.
This stuff, this bullshit, is all fear--based, and you know what a great sex life is void of? Fear. Fear strangles sex on almost every level. How many people are willing to openly admit that they want sex, they want that connection, they feel better about life in general when they are actively engaging in sexual activities of one sort or another? Not many people I know can speak openly about it, much less ask for it.
Much of our motivation comes from our desire for sex, for love, for connection. But our fear around it, around asking for it, around appearing to need it keeps us in the dark. See no sex, hear no sex, speak no sex is the way we behave in the world, when below the surface, sex is what feeds us.
My mom was not what you would call the ideal parent, but she was incredibly wise. About some things. When I was about twelve, she asked me a question that made me feel awkward and embarrassed at the time, but stuck with me. We had taken out Our Bodies Our Selves for about the fiftieth time and she was once again explaining to me how my body is my temple, the ways in which I can enjoy it, and so on. I of course did not want to talk about it. I kept telling her to stop. She became frustrated and asked me how I could have sex if I couldn't even talk about it. I responded with "I am twelve." She came back with, "you won't be twelve forever."
Maybe inappropriate, but she was doing her best to prepare me for a sexual life, a life of pleasure, a life free from the bullshit society puts on you if you are openly and gleefully engaging in a sexual relationship or two and happen to be a woman. As I grew, I slowly started to realize that she was right. Sex is awesome. In fact, I loved it so much I would often do crazy things to get it. But there was always some shame behind it. I felt like it had to be a secret that I loved sex, lest I be labeled a whore, a slut, a strumpet.....oh, wait. Yeah. That stuff all happened. And it kind of fucked me up. It put me off an openly sexual lifestyle for a very long time. But I came back.
And so can you. I am not saying that you necessarily live in shame, you might not. But consider that you might just enjoy sex more if you can do it without having to pretend that you do not. The more you can own your sexuality, the more you can be proud of the sexual life you live, no matter what it looks like, the better your sex will be. I am not saying that everyone is equally sexually driven. I am aware that sexuality in individuals is as different as hair and eye color combinations.
But consider that no matter what color eyes a person has, you still accept them as human. The addition of their hair color does not make them any less of a person. It is the same with sexuality, and it is time that we all start behaving as if it is a natural and healthy part of the human existence. Shit, it is one of the best things about human existence.
You know how you feel after you have sex? That feeling that you can do anything? Like everything is right with the world? That is because sex is good for the body, mind, and spirit. Sex is good for what ails you. Ask anyone who has read The Joy of Sex. That book is a veritable bible on the many ways a healthy sex life can improve your entire existence.
The next time you are being shamed by an individual or an organization for the sex that you have, do the best and most healthy thing you can; don't give a fuck. The people who would have you feel ashamed for your sexuality are the very same people who are ashamed of their own, and they are trying to pass on the shame virus to you. Do not be a shame carrier. Inoculate yourself by hanging with people who do not shame you for your sexual life, talk with people who are themselves proud of the sexual life they live.
Or, start with this exercise: consider the world without good sex. What does that world look like? Are the colors as bright? Is there more conflict? Are people more prone to argument? Consider how you behave when you have not had sex for a while, then compare it to how you behave after a great session of morning sex, afternoon sex, or evening sex.
Ain't no shame in that.
Start small with your eye on the big picture. Don't let anyone tell you that sex is bad, or shameful, or inappropriate. Think about how your world is transformed with great sex in it. Accept people's sexual lives as a natural and healthy part of a normal existence. Accept your desire for sex as a sign that you yourself are a healthy human. Live your life as if your confidence, health, and courage springs from your healthy sexual experience. You will find it easier to find sex, have sex, and ultimately, enjoy sex.
Didja like this? Were you amused, entertained or outraged? Share it with a friend and see what happens. Or email me and give me a piece of your mind. I am always interested in hearing from not so like minded people.
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