Some Kind of a Freak.
"You have the right to have just as much sex as a gay man, Sara." I was laying in bed with one of my playmates, talking about my plans to have a playmate in every city I visit on my travels. I was telling him that recently a prospective playmate asked me how many other people I was having sex with, and I underestimated a bit. I didn't want to deal with the judgment, which, in retrospect, was a good call because even with the underestimation, he still withdrew from our conversation.
There are certain conversations I like to have before sex, like the last time I was tested, using condoms, and other disease-related topics. I don't ever feel the need to have the discussion about how many other people perpspective playmates are having fun with, because frankly, I don't care that much. I mean, in a way it is kind of fun to talk about, but really, how much does it matter? It really only takes one mistake to ruin your life. As long as the person I am playing with is using a condom and responsible with testing, I am good. I mean, yeah, maybe a good ball park number, but really, isn't it enough to say, "I am active?"
Up until roughly three or four years ago, my sexuality was something I tried to keep on the down-low. I believed that there was something wrong with me, that my sex drive was a sign that I was some kind of a freak. So, I quietly had sex with lots of people. Well, as many as I could. But that is not safe, keeping one's sex life a secret, for many reasons, and on a whole other level, if I keep anything that I do a secret, I am sending myself a message that I am doing things of which I should feel ashamed or embarrassed. In actuallity, a healthy sex drive, and the momentum and vitality to achieve satisying it is something to be proud of.
It is said that youth is valued in this culture because of its inherent beauty, but I honestly wonder if it is not prized because young people are so easily manipulated into feeling shitty about their natural impulses. So easily convinced that there is something wrong with them. So easily persuaded that in the end, it is better to conform. By the time you are forty, you start to see much of that stuff for what it is; a way to get you to buy shit you don't need in an effort to become something that you are not.
You start to see, at a certain age, that it is not the end of the world to not fit in, and in fact, it is much better if you stand out. It is much better if you reject the message that your feelings of awkwardness or fear are normal, and that it is something to sit through and understand instead of deny or reject as wrong or immoral. At a certain age, you realize, hopefully, that your body is amazing, and that the messages that you are fed about how you should look are at the very least, wrong, and at the most, horrendously damaging.
After I started working on loving my body, sex became better. Sex was in fact a way to finally be free and express myself fully. I could never have done this when I was feeling bad about my body, when I was concerned about my hips, my butt, and my nose. For me, there is a direct relationship between how comfortable I am with my body and how comfortable I am having sex. As in, when I am in a place where I am loving and valuing my body and myself, I am also in a place where sex is mind-blowingly spectacular. This is not an exaggeration.
This practice also led to another significant realization. After many years and many monogamous relationships, I came to the realization that monogamy might not be in my wheelhouse. Not that I was always runnin' around on my fellas, but there was always a moment, or three, in every relationship, where I was thinking to myself, "is this going to be it? For the rest of my life? Really?" Where as being in an open relationship feels more natural to me. I feel less like I am suffocating, and more like I am liberating, myself and my fella. That is a feeling I love, and one that I want more of.
As with all other of my posts of self-discovery, I am in no way suggesting non-monogamy for everyone or even, anyone. I am just saying that through learning to really accept, care for and love my body, my whole world opened up. My life transformed. I stopped feeling like I was some kind of a freak, and started feeling like, well, myself. I never would have felt like that, like myself, if I hadn't tried. I can see the way my life would have gone if I had never gotten to feeling comfortable being me, and my goodness, it is like, half a life! It is nothing compared to the full and wonderful thing I have now, which is sometimes scary, sometimes exciting, and all the time, very real.
This is why I promote body positive, sex positive, and self-love above all; because I know it is transforming, and that going through the process of accepting and loving your body will change you into a person who is you. That maintaining a practice of self-love and acceptance will keep you loyal to yourself, will cultivate a courage within you that you had never before known, and will add more to your life than you could ever predict.
I suppose, if you look at the way most people feel about their bodies, I am some kind of a freak. I am the kind of freak who will bare the brunt of ridicule and derision in order to be more me, to be loyal to myself, and to find, on a daily basis, how much more I am capable of. I will endure the haters because I know this message is dire. Loving yourself, including your body, will transform your life. Guaranteed.
The great secret about being a freak is that it is hysterically and wonderfully fun. It is one big, "I don't give a fuck," about consumerism, conformity, and capitalist culture. It is anarchy. It is revolt. It is a way out of feeling like you are not enough. Once you start getting to know and love yourself, you will see that you are boundless, that you contain multitudes, that if your were a melody, you would be a classic, a masterpiece. You are not only enough, you are EXCEPTIONAL.
So, yeah...I am happy to be a freak if this is what freak life is like. Happy to be a freak if I can be me.
there is nothing better, even if it does make me a bit of a freak.
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