Learning How to See Yourself.
"The problem with your project is that you have a very sexy body."
This was the text I received from a former lover the other day, who contacted me to let me know that he loves my project, but the flaw is that I am too good looking.
I have to admit, after I read it, I burst out laughing. Not because he doesn't have a point, but because it doesn't matter what I look like, because loving myself hasn't come from a place of perfection. Loving myself has not come from, "Man, my life is perfect. I had the perfect childhood, I am rich, I have amazing friends, my partner is a Nobel prize winner, and my car is really speedy!"
No. It has come from a place that doesn't need that stuff. It has come from a place of imperfection, where I have the ability to love myself ANYWAY. If I have not been clear, for most of my life, I did not feel good about myself. I thought myself to be an angry, ugly person. This was in spite of the fact that I was in good shape, always had gainful employment, and had friends who loved me, truly. I was, and still am, to some extent, a person who puts herself in a place so that she never has to ask for help. Why? Because she does not want to hear the "no," and feel the pain of rejection, which would communicate to her, inevitably, that she is not worthy of such help.
To be clear, you can love your body no matter what it looks like, because your love for your body has nothing to do with that. It has to do with your ability to see that you are worthy of love. You have to cultivate the ability, you must find the courage to see yourself and love yourself, unconditionally.
This is HARD. This is the thing that everybody wants. This is the thing that drives people to buy fast cars, huge houses, designer clothes, and every new tech gadget at the moment it comes out. This desire to be happy with yourself can drive you to take on jobs that will ruin your life, it will drive you to do things that are against your best interest, because you think that, "if only I were there, I would be happy."
"If only I could lose 35 pounds, I will love my body."
I don't love my body because it is sexy. I have a sexy body because I love it.
I have had sex with people of all shapes and sizes; men, women...all in different stages of fitness and health. The sexiest ones are always the confident ones, without exception. The ones who have no shame surrounding their mindset about their bodies are a pleasure to have pleasure with.
It sounds kind of flowery: "oooooh...love your body....ooooh...you are a being of light....oooooh....embrace your beauty..."
Kinda new-age, hippie, free love stuff. But it is not. It is the hardest thing that human beings contend with, love of self. This, this practice that I speak of, it is a door to get there, but it is not for everybody because it is scary. It is hard. It will most likely make you cry at one point or another. Our world, our society, does not want you to love your body.
In many ways, a person who is brave enough to declare that she loves her body is repulsive. We are taught both subliminally and overtly to be ashamed. If you are body-proud, you are in the minority. I have experienced this in the form of bullying and sexual harassment. If you stand out too much, if you are too confident, small shitty people try to knock you back down to their level.
I have said it before and I will say it again. FUCK THOSE PEOPLE.
This is hard work. It is scary. But what you get out of it is more than worth that journey. If you decide not to take it, that is perfectly fine. I completely understand. As long as you know that this is a choice you make. This does not just happen without some hard work along the way.
This happens because you make the effort to learn how to see yourself.
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