Half a Smile

I have often wished I was one of those people who doesn't care. One of those people who doesn't read into things, or analyze a phrase or a moment in time to its bitter end. I am not. I am the person who thinks everything means something. This can be a good or a bad thing. Mostly it just gets me into trouble.

This is my issue with having Bell's Palsy. When I smile or laugh, only half of my face is smiling or laughing. It is a shock to me every time it happens. I am starting to feel like a pirate, as it looks like I am snarling when I laugh, and it looks like I am giving a sarcastic look when I smile. 

This might sound ridiculous, but I really had no idea how much I relied on my face to convey my personality. I don't think I appreciated it enough, now that I don't have it. Now, when I smile or laugh, I look down or cover my mouth. It's like I'm in junior high again, embarrassed of my braces, and trying to keep all the food caught between them my own little secret.

It is a bit of a nightmare that on top of this painful and slightly embarrassing illness, I am also not in control of my ability to drink, eat, drool, yawn, or whistle. I already have a problem with drooling, actually, but I think that is just a matter of focus.

My doctor and nurse told me that mine is only a very slight case, which frankly scares the crap out of me. I would hate to have it come back where the entire right side of my face droops and I can't keep anything in my mouth at all. Also, the pain. It is as if someone has been hitting me in the head with the claw end of a hammer all around my right ear. Thankfully that didn't last too long. Just a week or so.

That it happened in May is the most frightening aspect of this horrible virus. May is my anniversary month. I was so sad this month about my break up that I got a virus that keeps me from looking truly happy. Not too hard to find a hidden meaning that, is it? 

My body, for whatever else it does, keeps me honest. I was trying to distract myself this month from the pain I was feeling around the loss of my relationship, but my body literally kept me from my distraction by creating a situation so painful and strangely comedic that there was no way I could really be in denial any longer about this sadness.

​I am just going to have to feel it. And hope that in the future I don't try and distract myself to the extent that my body reminds me that no matter what, it's in my best interest to feel my feelings.

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